Intimate Secrets

Oh Man. Go West - King of Wishful Thinking.

2008-12-17T16:32:00.006-05:00

I wonder what the director of this video (undoubtedly Scorsese) pitched as its concept?

These two guys do a bunch of things infront of a white backdrop, I guess.

Amazing though, right?? This might be the corniest video I've ever seen I think.

So much stuff. The weird electric upright bass. The classic 'whoa! A gorilla head just popped up out of nowhere!! Now its gone again! hah!" at about 2:20. And the two guys in the band keep giving the camera these coy looks. They're kind of going 'We KNOW this is wacky. Just stay with us, ok?'

Wow.

Here's a good cover of this song, too:

Bush on Letterman in 2000

2008-09-11T12:20:00.005-04:00

I saw Obama on Letterman last night, and it made me wonder if Bush had done these kind of interviews while he was running for president. I ended up finding these from 2000. It's really pretty interesting:

Compare how Bush came across then to how Obama does now. Even then, Bush seemed to be a weird, nerdy sort of man child. You guys know what I mean?

Vote!

2008-09-05T20:24:00.002-04:00

What song is more sensual, sexy and tantilizingly erotic?

Brian Ferry's Slave to Love

Gowan's luscious Moonlight Desires

or Chris DeBurgh's erotic classic, Lady in Red

The answer, if you ask any woman in her 40's? Too close to call, they're all incredibly sensual.

Doucebags

2008-07-04T18:29:00.007-04:00

Have you guys noticed that douchebag seems to be a popular word these days?

It seems to refer to guys like this:

or this:

Orangey men.

I don't mean to be rude, but in my day, these guys were called....ginos, I guess.

You know?

When did we all agree on calling them douchebags?

Swarthy, Suave Man Really Lovelorn

2008-06-24T00:52:00.008-04:00

Exciting New Websites

2008-06-05T15:52:00.006-04:00

Hey everyone!

(and by that I mean every-one. The entirety of one. The one person who reads the blog. Hi.)

I found a great link for you to check!

CanadianDad.com

All the tips, stories and mild disapproval of minorities you'd expect from Canada's foremost Dad website.

Don't forget to check out the articles: "Women Drivers", "Why Doesn't My Son Shave For Once?" and "I Enjoy Watching Hockey".

ThingsIFindGhastly.com

A website the chronicles the full list of things that are, in fact, ghastly.

The list includes:

- A Cold Supper
- Pigeons
- Ill Mannered Boors
- 'The King of Queens'
- Ferrets

What to Watch for This Week on TV!

2008-04-30T18:04:00.007-04:00

Boy and His Bird
Heartwarming Story of young Darren, and his bird, also named Darren. Darren (the boy) is mentally retarded and calls all objects and actions 'Darren'. Tonight, Darren Darrens his Darren off.

Wednesday @ 7pm on ABC

Imagine that was a Hot Babe? (UK)
Host Clive Anderson convinces innocent passersby that regular, everyday objects are actually hot babes. Tonight, Clive convinces a young man that his hot dog is actually a small, pink babe.

Tuesdays and Thursdays @ 8 on BBC 2b

Cool, Old People
A documentary that studies old people who are actually kind of cool. Tonight, cool old man, Alfred, proudly drinks Pepsi because a commercial told him to.

Monday @ 7:45 on CoolTV

Death ... Cool?

2008-04-11T16:05:00.003-04:00

Hah! Right on! Death and I are going snowboarding next weekend!

They're Cancelling Air Farce

2008-04-11T15:56:00.005-04:00

Visual expressions of my feelings on the subject:

The Original Design

2008-04-01T04:09:00.005-04:00

Cheese

2008-03-24T20:32:00.002-04:00

What is it about cheese that makes me so racist??

Email from Martin Lawrence!!!

2008-03-14T19:22:00.006-04:00

Big news for us here at Intimate Secrets..

Martin Lawrence has sent us an email!! He reads the blog! Check it out:

"Hey, Great blog guys. I've learned a lot by reading it. It's thoughtful and surprisingly insightful. Ok, and I have to admit, it also can be quite funny from time to time. Lol.

Keep up the good work.

By the way, have you guys ever noticed that there are a lot of differences between black people and white people? I'm attaching a forward that lists some of these differences. M."

Reflections

2008-03-14T16:22:00.004-04:00

My reactions to this picture:

1) Relief : I'm clearly looking at a picture of a Christian person.

2) Intrigue : Obviously.

3) Sadness : For pale people who button their shirts. It is the end of an era, boys.

Some New Products

2008-03-14T15:55:00.007-04:00

1) The Egg Nipple Warning and Safety Helmet

This product is for those who are disgusted by the idea of people putting fried eggs over their nipples.

When the helmet detects that someone has placed fried eggs over their nipples, it will emit a loud and unpleasant noise. This gives the users a chance to run to the safety of their homes. While wearing this helmet, if one actually sees fried eggs delicately placed over top of two rubbery nipples, then he will die.

2) Silly Burgers

They're like regular burgers, but cheeky! When you try to bite this burger, a long and spindly arm made of bun will pop out of it. This naughty burger then reaches around and gives your bum a little pinch! Look at how surprised the man in the picture is! He can't believe that this burger just pinched his bum! haha! Glorious!

Old Drunk Man Doesn't Understand How To Use 'Quote Fingers'

2008-02-25T16:19:00.004-05:00

Does anyone "have" any change?

I just need a "couple" dollars to take the bus "to" Peterborough.

I got "this" jacket at Northern Reflections.

Elderly British Man Declares My Blog To Be "Dreadful"

2008-02-18T18:28:00.002-05:00

Dom DeLuise Sees Hamburger In Other Room Through Concrete Wall; Becomes Frozen

2008-02-18T18:13:00.011-05:00

*EDIT* I feel a bit bad making fun of Dom. Did you guys ever see Blazing Saddles?

*EDIT 2* The name 'Dom' is a bit weird. Why not just go with Don?

Top 4 Men Staring at Me Intently Right Now

2008-02-15T23:19:00.014-05:00

4) Elliot Yamin, Lounging on my Balcony

3) David Caruso, in the Grey Chamber
2) Man Trapped Inside My Computer

1) A Young Edward James Olmos

*EDIT* There's not really a joke in any of this. It's just disconcerting. You could imagine.

*EDIT 2* Probably some annoying guy read the last *EDIT* and said to himself: 'there's not jokes in anything on this site". And then he probably sipped from a can of coke. What a prick!

*EDIT 3* Arghh...I really want to kill that coke drinking guy!!!!!

Robot Defensive; A Little Too Interested in Asses

2008-02-07T18:21:00.000-05:00

Hmm..

Um, why did you look at me that way? Mike? Why did you look at me that way? I don't know, it seemed like you were looking at me in a weird way...

Why were you looking at me in a weird way?

Did you think I was looking at something? It seems like you did - or something. Like someone's ass? Did you think I was looking at someone's ass? I don't know ... it seems like you think I was looking at someone's ass.

Hmm.

Weird...

Because I wasn't looking at anyone's ass. You know that right? Like, that is probably the last thing I would ever look at ...

well I mean, I shouldn't say it's the last thing I'd ever look at, because sure, I like asses I guess. Or, you know, I don't hate them or something. But I don't care about them, if that's what you're getting at. They're not like, some big thing to me.

I really feel like you're judging me, here.

Anyyyyways....

*silence*

Ok, why is this so weird now?

What's Better? Canada or US?

2008-02-02T03:15:00.002-05:00

This is pretty funny.

Check out the comments people left on this weird youtube video I made.

It's really real, too:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DcPnLWR5goA

Title: What's Better? Canada or US?

ilonax (1 year ago) Show Hide

definately canada.

TLC2287 (1 year ago) Show Hide

are you drunk?

dh1112 (11 months ago) Show Hide

CANADA IS BETTER
I hate those "all that" self centered stupid americans

UNSCSPARTAN94 (6 months ago) Show Hide

f@ckin americans mocking us

RobInCanada (5 months ago) Show Hide

this guy sounds like a broken record

TheTruthFactor (4 months ago) Show Hide

xD YEAH!

iluvira (4 months ago) Show Hide

HAHAHA FUCK YOU AMERICA

krzik927 (3 months ago) Show Hide

u do no that the whole thing is america right?
its the united states, dumbass canadian

iluvira (2 months ago) Show Hide

hi there krzik927. YOU ARE A PRICK DICKWAD COCKMUNCHING CUNT FACE SUPERFAG FAGHAT! FUCK YOU AND FUCK ALL AMERICUNTS. you guys suck so much dick, you are the stupidest fatest and most fucked up people on earth. OF COURSE I KNOW IT WAS AN AMERICAN PRICK THAT MADE THE FUCKIN VIDEO. I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET A REACTION FROM A DUMBASS SO I COULD DO THIS. FUCK YOU, NOW ITS TIME FOR YOU TO WATCH COPS AND DRINK A 40 RETARD

DamnedPolack (2 months ago) Show Hide

wow nice vocabulary there mate you really proved how superior u are to americans with that statement

haha you really showed your superior intelligence over us dumb as shit americans

JesusJChrist (2 months ago) Show Hide

STFU NOOB, FYI i am purposely spelling shit the wrong way cause its funny, you dont actually think i think that faggot is spelled like faghat do you? RETARD!!!! BSIDES WHO THE FCK CARES ABOT SPLLING ON CMMNTS ANYWY? FUCK YOU YOU AMERI(CUNT)! P.S. I DO IT FOR THE LULZ!!!!

DamnedPolack (2 months ago) Show Hide

do you even know what vocabulary is?
or is that optional in forign elementary schools?
I was actually talking about your very limmited and sophmoric array of words.
Hell you sound like your 10 years old tryin to act older and more mature mate.
God just lookin at your poor choice of words and sad insults makes my brain ache.
Dont even comment back mate youve lost this argument.
Hell can it even be called an argument? it was pretty one sided.

iluvira (1 month ago) Show Hide

tee hee tee hee "SOPHMORIC ARRAY OF WORDS". DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA THE CALIBRE OF ASSHOLE YOU ARE DEALING WITH? I AM NOT SOME DIMWITTED GENERIC COMMENTER WHO JUST PUTS THE EVER POPULAR LOL AND ONE OF THESE :)! I DESTROY THE TARDS THAT DO THAT JUST 4 FUNZ. NOW HOW YOU GONNA ACT? DO YOU WISH TO HAVE A WAR OF THE WORDS? THEN BRING IT KEVIN POLACK

krzik927 (1 month ago) Show Hide

oooo some 1 dosn't have a life putting a comment on a video just to get a reaction and then call the person 9 differint forms of dick, and at least we have cops wat show do you watch "MONTIES" get a life

DarkerCry (3 months ago) Show Hide

lol i thought this was funny. Im not sure if he is drunk or trying to be funny XD

krzik927 (3 months ago) Show Hide

he dont have a very big vocab dose thats 1 for canada and 2 for america

kylie212 (3 months ago) Show Hide

lmao ya canada!!!

nintendopokemon (1 month ago) Show Hide

his eyes are so dilated he is so high

ReaLD3AL (1 month ago) Show Hide

CANADA
1. Canadian medical care is free
2. Education is practically free
3. Legal drinking age is 18 in Quebec

United States
1. Smallest drink at a Wendy's is 22 oz.??

Ryemister (1 month ago) Show Hide

really you guys shouldnt be talking because this site was made my americans? dont forget that

silent0saint (2 weeks ago) Show Hide

well the only reason americans got to the moon is becuase of canada, don't forget that

kenmcneil (1 month ago) Show Hide

Damn right Canada is better. Of course it's not hard to be better than the US.

cmusic56 (8 hours ago) Show Hide

your an idiot

Rules of my 'ouse

2008-02-01T16:53:00.001-05:00

So, yer staying with me for a few days, eh?

Right. House Rules.

1) Take yer bloody shoes off at the door.
2) No smoking in the 'ouse.
3) If you don't like Dire Straits...you're in deep shit, mate. Deep shit.

One Delightful Grin!

2008-01-23T20:16:00.001-05:00

Mad strange story:

After writing my "review" of Mad Money, I heard a loud creak coming from my bedroom door. I was terrified! But as the door gradually opened more and more, I made out more and more of a face staring blankly at me..

I couldn't believe it, but it was Queen Latifah!

When the door fully opened, Queen stared blankly at me for several minutes. Had I angered her in being so abstract in my review of her film?

Luckily the tension evaporated, as the Queen slowly leaned against the door frame, crossed her arms, and broke into a delightful, broad grin!!

hah!

Great!

Movie Review: Mad Money

2008-01-23T20:05:00.001-05:00

Ok. First of all, I am not going to actually review this movie.

Instead, I would like to suggest that someone officially change the name of this film (and I do mean film) from Mad Money to Mad Funny!

And that is all I'm going to say about that!!

...

(you should be able to read between the lines to understand what I think about the movie, but if you don't feel free to email me.)

...

(It's not that hard to figure out what I mean if you just carefully study the words I used. I'll give you a hint if you're puzzled. Look at what I changed the name of to movie to. Do you notice anything different about the new title? If you do notice something about the new title, that may have something to do with how I feel about this very funny movie!)

Son/Sun Pun Taken Too Far

2008-01-18T16:43:00.001-05:00

Tre never knew when to quit.

Now everyone on Earth is dead, sucked into a fiery death by the gravity of this tiny, adorable star:

Tre: Hey, guys! Check out my wonderful, adorable sun! Do you get it? My beautiful sun.

Other Guy: Yeah. Yeah, we get it, Tre. Son and Sun are similar. That's hilarious.

*Earth is Destroyed*

Warning: I Will Offer To Grab You A Cup Of Coffee

2008-01-17T14:41:00.001-05:00

I'm a simple guy. I wear jeans. Tight. I like to tuck blue dress shirts into those jeans.

I like old rock. (Q107 is my station of choice. Ok sometimes I listen to EZ Rock ... hey, what can I say? It's relaxing after a hard day!)

And there is one thing about me you've gotta know. Cause it ain't gonna change..

Warning:

If you're a nice looking woman, just sitting in a coffee shop, I WILL offer to buy you a cup of coffee.

Don't matter if you're crying. Don't matter if you're on the phone. Don't matter if you've got your arms chopped off!

You could be 19, you could be 65.

I 100% guarantee that I will put out my smoke, mosey over to you, and ask if I can grab you a coffee.

If you say yes, I will grab one for ya. I'll come sit with you and try to get to know you.

I'm sorry, world. But this is who I am.

Things to Watch for in 2008

2008-01-15T18:38:00.001-05:00

1) Air Farce Device

Scientist, Frank Furr, has been working on this machine that could actually transmit full seasons of Royal Canadian Air Farce directly to a human's eyes. Considering the amount of money one would save on cable fees, television sets, DVD's, and DVD players, this device could be a steal of a deal. Look for it mid-August 2008.

2) Ear Pots

Fun, funky and cool.

The Only Thing I Shall Ever Paint

2008-01-13T17:13:00.000-05:00

When I've been asked to paint family portraits - I laughed in their faces..

When I was asked to paint the Eiffel Tower - I vomited instantly..

When I was asked to paint a perfect sunset - I barely contained my anger..

Those subjects have no value to them. How could I, as an artist, justify painting something so cliche? So insincere? So dull?

Listen now, and listen well, for I shall only say this once. The only thing I shall ever paint is this:

... men with ponytails.

Nothing else was ever so pure, so vibrant. Damnit, nothing else has ever been so glorious.

Men With Ponytails

2008-01-13T17:06:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure how it's possible, but men with ponytails seem to simultaneously look like noble warriors - and virgins.

Blog Off To Somewhat Moderate Start - Allegedly

2008-01-11T18:02:00.001-05:00

Well, I've had the blog going for about a full day now, and according to Google Analytics, I have zero hits so far. A little slow, but the momentum is palatable!

Perhaps this picture of Armand Assante will help - time will tell!

Roommates

2008-01-11T14:35:00.000-05:00

Pubert? Pubert, wake up!

Blargh! Dylann, it's 9:50 at night!!

Wake up! I'm in big trouble! I need your help, Pue!

Glech! What is it this time? Write an essay for you? Vomit on a beautiful woman to get you out of your finals again?

No! Two cheerleaders want to have sex with me tonight, but they hate each other. I need you to pretend to be me with one of them! It'll be dark, so if you don't say anything, she won't know the difference!

Glern! You're kidding! I assumed it was some horrible task like usual! Cleaning your parents house for you, or extracting semen from that damn bull!

Of course not, Pubert! And I really need your help! Do you promise you'll do it??

Very well! I wholeheartedly promise to do as you wish! My goodness, I am certainly looking forward to having intercourse with a woman!

Yeah! Great.... well....she's not a woman..

...

She's a male bull.

...

so..

...that damn bull?

Yeah. I need you to extract semen from it. For that reason I have.

... honestly? I think you misrepresented your intentions. You know?

Well, not really...

Yeah. Yeah, you did say that I would have sex with a cheerleader. But it's not really that, is it? You know?

I don't really see it..

You said I'd be having sex with a cheerleader, but I'm going to end up extracting semen from that damn bull. You know?

K...so.........

sigh. I'll get my coat.

Dog Pants

2008-01-10T18:55:00.000-05:00

An Unwinnable Fight?

2008-01-10T17:22:00.001-05:00

All I wanted was to buy some milk from the store....

God's honest truth. I just wanted to buy some milk from the store and be on my way.

I meant no harm to anyone or anything.

But I feel I must doubt myself...

After my purchase, why did I linger outside of the Dominion? Why did I hover outside the automatic doors? I told myself it was just to catch some last light from the falling sun. To start taking life a little bit slower and appreciate the finer things...

But then a man walked by. A real punk. As I glared at him, his eyes locked onto mine.

What is it about me that I held his stare? Why was so much aggression aroused in me by this perceived challenge?

How I wish I could take back the events that followed. The way I rushed over to him, my thunderous legs jiggling to support my weight. The way I picked him up, raised him over my shoulders, and slammed him down to the sidewalk. The way I walked over to his head, threw my legs out from under myself, and sat directly on his face.

As some bystanders jeered me, I felt a true rush. I wanted to sit on their faces as well - like a moth to a flame - but I resisted.

Do I enjoy playing the villain? Is there something wrong with me? And if I was really just going to the store, why was I wearing my "Quake" one piece bathing suit to begin with?

Now I sit, back at home. I'm antsy. I have a thirst for more milk - and I truly don't know how much longer I can fight it..

Welcome

2008-01-10T13:06:00.000-05:00

Hi!

This is my new blog.. You can get to it from my website: www.jameshartnett.com

It's sure to be zany!